A Born Coward
by WhiteCrow10
Summary: Steve and Bucky had always been the best of friends... until that fateful day when Bucky fell from the train. Seventy years later, Steve is still having a hard time coping with his loss. Based of "A Born Coward" by Gumi. Kinda-sorta songfic. One-shot.


**This has been an idea that's been in the works for a while. I have to start off saying that I LOVE Captain America. When I first saw the movie, my mind was freaking BLOWN. I loved the way they portrayed Captain America or Steve Rodgers and expanded on his personality. He's kind, he's caring, he's selfless... Just how I thought he would be. I also really liked Bucky and the friendship between the two of them. The movie does a great job at making the audience know that these two characters are really close and you get really invested with Bucky too, even though he's not on-screen as much as the good ol' Captain. I wanted to expand more on Bucky and Steve's relationship, to study it and look at how Steve would be dealing with Bucky's death (as well as the passing of all the other people he knew) seventy years after getting frozen. Most of this is head-canon and is based in the movie-verse, since I really don't know much else except for what I've read online.  
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**So, there's a story behind how I came up with this. I was just sitting around, surfing YouTube, and listening to a song. The lyrics of the song, or at least the translated lyrics because the song is originally in Japanese, reminded me a lot of Bucky and Steve since it's about two people having a severed relationship, namely two friends. The English lyrics are included in this, interjected when fitting, and I used a mix of the literal translation and a different one. The English lyrics are translated by NonsensicalPenguin on YouTube and from the vocaloidsong blog. If you want to look the song up, you can easily find it on YouTube. Just search "A Born Coward" or "Ama no Jaku by Gumi" and you should find it.  
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**As an added note before I finish my rambling, I really like writing** **kid!Steve. He's just so cute~!** **I hope you all enjoy this and please review!**

A Born Coward

Captain America one-shot

Based off of the song "A Born Coward (Ama no Jaku)" by Gumi, written by 164

_Shall I tell you what I've been thinking for a long time?_

_If I can be your friend once again, I won't ask for more…_

Steve Rogers looked out the window of his small apartment in New York City, wondering how so much could change in what felt like overnight. Seventy years… how did it even get to be that long? It didn't seem all that long ago that he was in the forties, fighting Nazis and helping those in need. But he had gone to sleep in the Arctic and awoke to a new age of things that were beyond his wildest dreams.

He missed the forties dreadfully but he had to adapt to the 21st century and life as an Avenger. He couldn't cling too much to the past, especially when the future depended so much on him. In fact, he hadn't thought about his life before at all that day. He hadn't thought about Peggy; hadn't thought about her red lips, her sharp, intelligent eyes, her fiery personality, how soft her lips were when she kissed him right before he boarded the Valkyrie bomber…

No, hadn't thought about it at all. He hadn't thought about Howard, Falsworth, Dum-Dum, Morita, Gabe, Dernier, Bucky… Yep, he had forgotten it all and hadn't thought about any of it since.

What? You don't believe me?

Well, okay… Maybe… maybe just once…

It was hard to get over the fact that all the people Steve knew were most likely dead, especially Peggy and Bucky; his lover and his best friend. Bucky was probably the hardest one to come to terms with. After all, he was Steve's best friend. It was hard to find a friend like Bucky in the present, especially in the team. Natasha was stand-offish and a bit frightening, Bruce was a ticking time-bomb, and Tony… how was it that Clint described him again? If Steve could remember correctly, the archer had used the term "dick…" but he had refrained from referring to his teammate in such a manner even if he and Tony mixed like oil and water. In short, Bucky, much like Peggy, was irreplaceable. He was a friend, a protector, and, most of all, a brother.

Steve was really young when he first met Bucky. Truthfully, the first time he had even met or had even seen Bucky was also the first time that the older boy had saved him. He and Bucky were both very young, Steve being around ten and Bucky probably a year or so older. It was shortly after Steve's mother had died and the small boy was all but orphaned since any surviving relatives lived far away and didn't bother to come and claim him after the death of his mother. So off he went to the orphanage, completely alone in a big and frightening world that he knew next to nothing about.

He had many health problems as a child that lasted up until Erskine injected him with the super-soldier serum. He suffered from asthma a lot, especially when he was younger, and that made him an easy target for the bullies since he could only run so far without triggering his asthma. Most of the bigger, older kids had made it their personal job in their years of youth to pick on little Steve and it almost seemed like it was the only thing that kept them clinging to existence. Usually it was just limited to verbal abuse, such as making fun of how skinny he was and how large his clothes were compared to his tiny frame (nothing he wore could ever fit him properly until he got just a bit older). However, there were those times where someone would want to take something from him and despite his small stature and fragility, Steve would always speak out and refuse to give in to those who bullied him. This usually ended in him getting beaten up and whatever he had getting taken away from him but he never regretted it.

It was during one of those instances when he met Bucky. To this very day, he still couldn't remember what the bullies wanted to take from him; maybe it was a ball or maybe some sort of toy. Regardless of what is was, Steve refused to give into the bullies and, as usual, got the crap beaten out of him. As he curled into the fetal position, trying to protect his head and frail abdomen, a voice broke through the jeering of the bullies.

"Hey, leave the kid alone!"

The blows that the bullies were placing on little Steve suddenly disappeared. The frail boy looked up and saw a wiry boy pulling the other boys away from him. When the bullies tried to turn their wrath onto Steve's savior, the spit-fire of a boy dodged their blows and punched the leader right in the nose, causing the group to retreat hastily. Once the bullies had all but disappeared from sight, the wiry boy turned to Steve and bent down to look at him.

"Hey, kid," he said. "You alright?"

Steve nodded shyly.

"Need some help getting up?" the boy held his hand out to Steve, who took it hesitantly. The older boy pulled the smaller one to his feet slowly and Steve remained silent the entire time, still amazed that someone had come to help him. "There ya go, kid. They didn't hurt you too bad, did they?"

Steve shook his head.

"That's good. Have they done this to you before?"

Steve nodded.

"Really? Kid, you need to stick up for yourself more," the boy sighed. "Speak up every once in a while, fight back…" he paused, noticing how silent the smaller boy was being. "Hey, you're awfully quiet, aren't you? Do you know how to speak?" he peered closely at Steve, leaning over the shorter boy. "You _can_ talk, can't ya?"

Steve almost bent over backwards looking up at the taller boy, staring up at him with large blue eyes. He blinked once and then bowed his head, focusing at the ground. "Th-thanks…" he mumbled softly, so quiet that the other almost didn't hear it.

The wiry boy blinked at this and stared at the tiny boy in front of him, observing just how shy and humble the kid was. With a sigh, he stuck his hand out in front of Steve, offering for him to take it. Steve stared at the other's hand, a bit surprised to see it there, and then at the other's face, asking a question through his expressions.

"Well, go on," the wiry boy said. "Shake it."

Steve slowly took his hand and shook it, flinching slightly at the boy's firm grip.

"Bucky."

Steve looked up at the other, a little confused. "What?"

"My name. It's Bucky," the boy clarified. "Well, at least that's what I prefer to be called. 'James' seems a bit too fancy."

"I-I'm Steve…" the smaller boy mumbled shyly.

"Well, Steve, how about we stick together for a while longer?" Bucky asked. "Maybe I could teach you how to fight some of those kids who like to push you around…"

From that day forth, Bucky acted as a protector for the young, frail Steve as well as a friend. Bucky was an orphan as well but didn't have anywhere to stay, seeing as he had climbed out of the window of the orphanage he was in the first chance he got. He lived on the streets, scrounging for whatever food he could find and sleeping in what little shelter he could find. Steve had offered Bucky to stay with him many times but his friend always refused.

"I hate orphanages… the people who run them don't really care for you at all. You're just one more abandoned brat that they have to take care of…" Bucky told him once. "Besides, you'd probably get in trouble if you drug in something like me…"

"Then… then maybe I could stay with you," Steve said.

"No way, kid," the other boy told him. "You wouldn't survive a day out on the streets. You'd starve out here, not to mention you can't fight your way out of a paper bag. Keep your warm bed and actual food at the orphanage."

"But Bucky…" Steve protested, trying to keep the sleeve of his sweater from sliding over his hands. "You just said…"

"Forget what I said, Steve," Bucky said. "You're fine where you are and I'm fine where I am. Don't need to change anything…"

"Alright…"

He didn't know it then but later on in life, Steve realized that Bucky was truly protecting him rather than insulting and doubting his abilities, like Steve had first assumed. That spitfire of a boy was always looking out for his tiny friend mainly because, well, they were all that they had. They had neither parents nor siblings and compensated for that by supporting each other, acting as brothers would… with Bucky acting as the eldest of course. In fact, many people would mistake them for siblings, which tended to work in Steve's favor. A lot of the local ruffians and bullies were pretty wary of Bucky due to the fact that he fought back when pushed around and made sure that whoever was messing with him didn't come back. If Steve was with Bucky, he was safe and completely bully-free.

However, when he was alone… you can guess what happened then. But to this day, Steve swears that Bucky had some sort of radar or sixth sense that let him know when his friend was in trouble. He would come rushing in, just when Steve was sure he was doomed, and gave the bullies a what-for, chasing them off with their tails between their legs.

"I just keep saving that skinny little butt of yours, don't I?" Bucky sighed as he carried Steve home on his back after one incident. "You just can't stay out of trouble, can you?"

"Sorry…" Steve sniffed, his arms linked loosely around Bucky's neck. "I was trying to stand up for myself like you told me to…"

"Kid…" Bucky sighed. "You're not hurt too bad, are you?"

"They punched me in the face…" the smaller boy sniffled. "I think it's starting to bruise…"

"Ms. Pratchett is going to throw a fit when I bring you back to the orphanage with bruises again," the older boy snorted.

"Sorry…" Steve whimpered again. Ms. Pratchett, the owner of the orphanage, had the tendency to yell at Bucky a lot. The older boy claimed that the woman hated him and while Steve repeatedly told him that she didn't, he had started to believe it himself. "I'm sorry I'm always getting in these messes and you have to save me. I don't want you to get in trouble because of something I've done…"

"It's not your fault. You didn't start a fight, Steve," Bucky sighed. "The old bat can yell at me all she wants."

"But… you still have to save me all the time. Don't you ever get tired of it?"

"Get tired of it? Of course not!" the older boy snorted. "It's what I'm supposed to do, Steve. We're like brothers and therefore, I have to look out for you no matter what. Oh, and I still have to teach you how to fight because believe it or not, I may not always be there… and don't think you're getting out of fighting lessons like last time, got it?"

"Uh-huh," Steve nodded.

"Good," Bucky said. "Now, let's get you back to the old bat and her orphanage…"

Bucky stayed true to his promise and tried his best to teach Steve how to fight. It was hard to say the least but Bucky was patient with the smaller boy and taught him every day.

"Put your thumb on the outside of your fist, Steve," Bucky would tell him. "If you put it on the inside, you'll break it."

"No, no… Use the first two knuckles of your hand or you'll break it," was something else Bucky would repeatedly tell him. "I don't want you breaking your hand… Knowing you, you'd end up breaking your entire arm in the process."

While Bucky was teaching Steve how to defend himself, the smaller boy began to think about how Bucky went out of his way to help him. Why couldn't he do the same? He wanted the chance to help his friend too, to save him for once.

Steve tried acting on those thoughts once when they were kids. The results weren't as fruitful as he had hoped. That one afternoon, he and Bucky were sitting in the alleyway, both thoroughly bruised and beaten. Steve had been trying to find his friend and came across Bucky getting the tar kicked out of him by a group of kids that had decided to gang up on him. Seeing this as his chance to repay Bucky, Steve had rushed headlong into the group of boys and pinned one to the ground, wrestling with him until the others pulled him off and began to beat him up too. Of course this got Bucky rearing to go again and the two of them got their asses whipped in a matter of minutes. The small gang left them in the alley and the two sat there in silence, feeling a bit too sore to move.

"I'm sorry…" Steve finally said, breaking the silence.

"For what?" Bucky asked, removing his hand from his puffed-up and bruising eye. "You didn't do anything wrong…"

"I just… I just thought I could help…" the smaller boy sniffed, rubbing at his eyes with a large sleeve. "You're always saving me and I thought…" he took a long, rattling breath as his big blue eyes started to tear up. "I thought I could save you for once… but I just made it worse."

"Steve…"

"I'm sorry…" the small boy sobbed, his tiny frame shaking. "I'm so sorry… I can't do anything right… I'm useless…"

"No, you're not," Bucky sighed. "You diving into everything actually gave me a chance to slug one of those losers on the jaw. It could have been a whole lot worse if you hadn't come along. Besides…" he pulled his friend close, smiling mischievously. "I'm sure that one guy is going to be feeling that punch you gave him for a month."

Steve sniffed and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Really? You don't think I'm useless?"

"What, are you stupid?" Bucky chuckled, placing his hand on Steve's head and mussing his hair. "Of course not! Why would you even think that?"

"I'm just so small… and weak…" the tiny boy sighed, pulling his knees close to his chest. "I just wish I could help more."

"Listen, kid, you're not useless just because of those things," Bucky said, putting an arm over Steve's shoulder. "After all, the best of things come in small packages."

Steve let a small smile creep onto his lips, despite how much his face hurt. No matter what, Bucky always knew just what to do to cheer him up and make him feel better, especially when it came to how prone to illness Steve was. In fact, Bucky knew nothing about Steve's asthma for the longest time. It wasn't until the two of them were on the run from the same kids that had kicked the tar out of them in the alley that Bucky found out how sickly his friend was.

"Man, those guys have it out for us…" Bucky panted as they ran from the small group of thugs. "I told you that one guy would be feeling that punch for a while!"

"B-Bucky…" Steve panted, staggering behind. "W-wait…"

"C'mon, Steve!" Bucky exclaimed, grabbing his friend's wrist and dragging the smaller boy behind him. "I don't know about you but I'm not exactly looking forward to getting pounded into the ground today!"

"Bucky…!" Steve tried to protest but the taller boy ignored him, only focused on out-running those behind them.

Eventually, the yelling voices of the other boys faded completely and Bucky slowly came to a stop, feet pounding against the ground as he slowed down. He let go of Steve's wrist and bent over with his hands on his knees, taking the time to catch his breath. Behind him, Steve was doing the same, coughing slightly as he tried to regulate his breathing.

"I… I think we lost them…" Bucky chuckled between breaths. "That… that was quite a nice run wasn't it, Steve?" He took a few more breaths and then noticed how silent Steve was being. "Steve…? Stevie?" He turned around and found the smaller boy on his knees, hand clutching his chest and wheezing. "Steve!" He rushed to his friend's side as fast as he could, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey… what's wrong? What's going on with you?"

"I… I can't…" Steve wheezed, unable to get enough air to his lungs. "Can't breathe… can't breathe…"

"Just… just hold on…" Bucky looked around frantically, trying to figure out what to do. He had no idea how to deal with the situation and he didn't want to leave Steve alone if he went looking for help. "I'll figure out something, okay?" What was he going to do…? "Just… just keep breathing…" His mind stopped; that was it! "Hey, Steve, buddy? Listen to me, okay? You're going to have to breathe with me."

Steve threw him an unsure and worried glance as he fought for breath, face contorted in agony. "…hurts…" he managed to choke out.

"I know, I know…" Bucky said in a comforting tone, putting his hands on Steve's chest and back. "Breathe with me, okay? In…" he took a deep breath through his nose. "Out…" he let out the breath slowly through his mouth. "You can do it, Stevie, I know you can. Just do as I do. In… and out… In…"

This time when Bucky took a breath, Steve tried his best to match his friend's breathing. He took a shuddering breath, slightly quicker than Bucky's but slower that before. He exhaled quicker than his friend as well, ending with a couple of harsh coughs. However, he tried again and got closer to matching Bucky's breathing, his breath hitching and coming out in coughs every once in a while.

"There, that's it…" Bucky told him. "Just keep doing what I'm doing…"

Eventually, Steve's breathing slowed and he became more relaxed. His shoulders slumped slightly and he bowed his head, letting out a long sigh. Bucky kept his arms around his tiny friend, a lump in his throat as he waited to see how Steve was faring. After a couple of seconds, Steve glanced up with Bucky with pitiful blue eyes, looking a bit guilty and ashamed.

"You okay?" Bucky asked and Steve nodded, causing the older boy to let out a sigh of relief. "Don't ever scare me like that again! Why didn't you tell me you had asthma?"

"I… You… you never asked…" Steve smirked, his voice a bit weak.

"Why you little…" Bucky chuckled, pulling his friend into a headlock and giving him a noogie. "I must be rubbing off on you!"

_You gave me so much love that it seems to run through my fingers_

_Where shall I throw it away?_

Years passed by and their lives changed little by little but their friendship remained. Bucky kept protecting his friend and had to do so more often since Steve had become quite bold after getting older. Bucky joked that he kept rubbing off on the other when it came to standing firm against people like bullies.

"And people used to call me the little spitfire…" Bucky would chuckle every time he bailed Steve out of another fist fight.

Now, that wasn't to say that both of them didn't change as they aged. While Steve had become bolder, Bucky had become more and more interested in the opposite gender. He had grown into a rather attractive young man and became quite the ladies man as a result, having a different girl on his arm every week. He never forgot about Steve though and spent as much time with him as he spent with his current girlfriend. He even tried to take Steve along on double-dates, spending time with his friend while he tried to hook him up with a lovely dame. However, these double-dates never ended well for Steve and the girls that Bucky tried to set him up with were never that interested in him. After a few years of blind dates, Steve gave up on the dating strategy and decided to wait until the right girl came along.

"Oh come on, Steve," Bucky sighed when Steve rejected another double-date. "So the last girl…"

"The last _fifteen_ girls…" Steve corrected.

"Okay, the last fifteen girls didn't like you but hey, sixteen might be your lucky number!" Bucky grinned but the expression faded from his face when Steve's mood failed to change. "I know it gets you down when a girl plain out ignores you during a date but that doesn't mean you have to give up."

"I'm not giving up."

"Really?" Bucky asked, unconvinced. "Then what are you doing?"

"I'm waiting," Steve said. "Waiting for the right partner."

Bucky kept his mouth shut after that.

Other than Steve's apparent inability to function properly around someone of the opposite sex, Bucky was slightly bothered by how Steve still thought that he was indebted to the older man. It had seemed a little weird when they were kids but Bucky had brushed it off and thought that the idea had been out of Steve's head for a long time. It seemed that wasn't the case and Steve was horribly persistent, especially when the war rolled around. Bucky got in almost immediately after applying but small, frail Steve didn't share his luck. His condition had bettered since he was a child but he was still very sickly and therefore, was turned away each and every time he applied. It was terribly frustrating for Steve since he wanted so much to both serve his country and be by his friend's side while doing so. He had felt so useless, so helpless; he knew that he could do more than collect scrap metal and buy war bonds.

However when he voiced these concerns around Bucky, the other never reacted well. Bucky couldn't imagine Steve, small frail Steve with a list of illnesses and vulnerabilities, running around on the battlefield in Germany, rifle in hand. He knew that if Steve entered that war, he would be dead. The guilt of being unable to protect Steve would kill him.

Neither of them could ever fully understand what the other person wanted. Steve didn't know why Bucky couldn't understand that he didn't want to feel useless anymore and Bucky was frustrated that Steve was ignoring the fact that if he entered the war, he would inevitably be killed. Since neither of them fully explained what was weighing on their shoulders, the two had many an argument over Steve wanting to join the war including the short one they had the night before Bucky shipped out… and before Steve's life was changed forever.

_"This isn't a back alley, Steve, this is war!"_

_ "What do you expect me to do? Collect scrap metal in my little red wagon?"_

_ "Bucky, Bucky! There are men laying down their lives. I have no right to do any less than them."_

_ "Right… because you've got nothing to prove…"_

Nevertheless, everything was usually patched up pretty fast and especially since Bucky was leaving to go overseas, Steve didn't want their goodbye to be tense or negative in any way. So they parted ways, friendship untarnished, Bucky on his way to Europe and Steve unwittingly being sent down the path of super-soldier.

Those days after being recruited by Doctor Erskine were beyond anything that Steve had ever dreamed of. He had gotten what he wanted; he was finally able to serve his country instead of feeling useless. But there were still days when he wondered about his friend, wishing to know how he was doing. Whenever he thought of the possible hell his friend was going through, he would take a deep breath and tell himself that Bucky would be able to fight his way through the war and they would get to see each other again.

He had never thought that opportunity would come so fast. The night he saved most of the 107th from Hydra was the night he was unexpectedly reunited with his best friend. Initially, he wasn't there for only Bucky; it was the right thing to do, after all. But when he was told where his friend could be, he couldn't help but feel relieved as he ran off to find him. He never would be able to describe the relief he felt when he finally found his friend, battered and bruised but alive nonetheless.

When they finally got out of the Hydra factory and were walking back to camp, Bucky wiped a smudge of dirt from his unshaven face and looked up (_dear lord, when did he get so tall…?_) at Steve, his eyes still retaining the same unique spark they always did regardless of all the hell he had been through.

"You're such an idiot…" he sighed, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Steve, being fluent in Bucky-speak, simply smiled and said, "You're welcome."

Bucky chuckled, a bright smile blooming onto his face. "Still the same old kid from Brooklyn, aren't you?"

"Well, I told you not to win the war 'til I got here, didn't I?"

In the days that followed, Steve had been relieved to find that his friendship with Bucky hadn't changed at all after becoming Captain America. Bucky still saw him as the timid kid from Brooklyn that stayed by his side no matter what, not a hero beyond reach. He treated Steve no differently than before; in fact, he still would still ruffle Steve's hair like he would do when they were kids (except he had to reach up and stand on his toes when he did so).

Now, there was no denying that their roles had changed a bit after Steve took on the role of patriotic super-soldier. Steve was more able, stronger, and able to fend for himself more than beforehand. He had half-expected for Bucky to feel like he was standing in his shadow, to feel as useless and unappreciated as Steve used to, but it never seemed to bother the older man. But despite Steve's newfound strength and abilities, he still felt indebted to his friend. Sure, he had saved Bucky from Hydra but Bucky had saved him time and time again. To Steve, once didn't seem like it was enough.

_I still don't know and can't find where I should dispose of these feelings_

_I've decided I will keep on waiting till I decipher your implications_

_Surely a little more time wouldn't hurt anyone?_

All people carry an endless amount of regrets with them, even the people who you think would be immune to such things. Most people on the American home front probably saw Steve, no Captain America, as a perfect, unstoppable, unbreakable force with no flaws and no weaknesses. That was an illusion. True, he was a good man, hence why he was chosen in the first place, but he wasn't perfect. Captain America, no Steve Rodgers, was perfectly capable of having regrets and there was one in particular that tortured him day and night.

Letting Bucky fall.

Steve had expected that boarding the train would run smoothly (smoothly as in the usual amount of Hydra goons firing at you). He didn't expect for him and Bucky to get separated. He didn't expect that the Hydra operative he took out would get back up again. He didn't expect to get knocked down so fast, leaving Bucky to fend for himself. He didn't expect for Bucky to try and continue the fight. He didn't expect for the blast to tear open the side of the train while catapulting his friend out with it.

But most of all, he never expected that he would lose his best friend.

He had tried to save him, he really had… Steve had climbed out on the torn and twisted metal that remained of the car wall, reaching for his friend's hand. In those few seconds, with their fingertips barely brushing, he had truly believed everything was going to be okay. But then the railing Bucky was clinging to creaked ominously and he knew it was over.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion once the rail broke away. Steve watched as the look in Bucky's blue eyes changed from relief to horror and then, surprisingly, acceptance. His fingers fell out of reach and all Steve could do was watch helplessly as Bucky, his best friend since childhood, plummeted to a certain death. He was gone and nothing could be done to bring him back.

_You're going ahead and I stopped going_

_How can I shrink the gap between you and me?_

Back in the present, Steve let out a sigh as he pressed his forehead against the cool class of his apartment window. It was still too hard. _Seventy years_ and it was still too hard to accept that Bucky was gone and that he should move on with his life. But then again, seventy years had happened in the blink of an eye for him and it felt like only a week before that Bucky was alive…

Despite how much time had passed, he still had felt responsible, accountable. He couldn't let go, he couldn't accept it. It hurt too much. That was the one time where Bucky needed him the most and he couldn't do a damn thing to save him. He never felt so alone, so empty… He knew he had to let go of the past, of those who had passed before he had been thawed out but he couldn't. Steve Rodgers was known for his bravery, his courage but when it came to this, he was a coward.

_I can't speak honestly but somehow I must put it into words_

_Don't you realize that I'm a born coward?_

He remembered talking to Stark's secretary, Pepper, about all of this. She was a rather kind woman, perceptive too. It was probably because of her perceptiveness that caused her to sit down with Steve and prompt him into talking to her. He had felt surprised that she had tried to get him to open up, though he probably should have been surprised that no one else had done that sooner. Just about everybody at SHEILD knew that he had missed seventy years of the modern world and many could guess at just how much he had lost. Pepper, probably seeing how much he was hurting, took him aside one day to try to mend what had been broken.

"Do you want to talk about it?" was all that she asked him, not too invasive but still letting him know that she was there.

"About what?" he asked hesitantly.

"About your life before…" Pepper waved her hand around. "Before all this."

"Oh… that…" Steve sighed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

"It's okay to talk to me," Pepper assured him. "I'll listen to everything you have to say."

Steve hesitated at first, afraid of moving out of his comfort zone, but he relaxed and began to tell Pepper everything; his childhood, his friendship with Bucky, and his relationship with Peggy. In retrospect, he truly had no idea why he had opened up to Pepper so quickly. Maybe it was just because he needed someone to talk to. During the war, he would talk to Peggy if something was on his mind. Since Peggy was long gone and there was no one else that he knew well enough to talk to, he just kept to himself and never bothered to get certain things off his chest, drawing more into his shell. Pepper came in and tore him out of that shell, allowing him to open up to her and the rest of the world. She listened patiently to his stories and understood him, always there to be helpful.

"Do you want to know what I think, Steve?" she asked him once and he nodded cautiously. "Stop suppressing all of this. You keep acting like you're trying to ignore all of this and trying to trick yourself into believing that it didn't happen. You can't do that anymore."

"I know… but… it hurts to think about it…" Steve replied, looking at the ground shame-faced.

"Yes, it does," Pepper said. "And it always will but it would be worse if you tried to make it seem like it never happened. Embrace those memories, Steve. Don't forget Bucky, Peggy… any of them. Honor their memory by simply remembering them, by admitting they existed. Don't run away from it. I know it's hard to deal with and I know that you don't want others to see you're hurting. You don't want to look weak or unstable to others. Trust me, I know. I live with and work for a man like that." She reached over and touched his hand in reassurance. "You're a sweet guy, Steve. Don't let this destroy you."

Steve let out a sigh as he remembered her words, moving away from the window in his apartment. Pepper was right, dear lord was she right. He couldn't run from his loss of Bucky and Peggy anymore. They wouldn't want him wasting his life away, grieving over the two of them while he could be living. Yes, it was painful and it always would haunt him but there was a line between grief and acceptance. It was time for him to step over that line and make something of his life seventy years in the future. He had to let go, move on, and live, live for the people who he loved and lost.

He hadn't realized that he was crying until he noticed water dripping onto the floor. Steve reached up and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, taking a shuddering breath as he did so. While drying his face, he couldn't help but chuckle at himself a bit.

_Look at me… _he thought, still chuckling a bit. _The strong and brave Captain America falling to pieces…_

But it was a relief, coming to terms with something that had plagued him ever since SHIELD thawed him out. He no longer felt as if he had an unbearable weight on his shoulders; he felt like _living._

_My love for you seems to run through my fingers_

_To whom shall I give it over?_

Steve wiped all of the moisture from his face and looked out his window again, peering down at the city he knew so well. It had changed so much but in the end, it was still the city that he loved so much; it was still his home. He could still name the streets that he and Bucky would run through when they were kids and probably could remember where the orphanage used to.

"You used to say that I was quite the spitfire, that I wouldn't run from anyone even if they could kick my ass six ways to Sunday," Steve sighed with a small smile as he watched two kids below his apartment, running through the streets with smiles on their faces. They made him think a lot about his childhood, his friendship with Bucky; it was almost like looking back in time. "Well, Bucky, I'm not running anymore. I'm accepting it and moving on but most importantly, I'm living just like you'd want me to."

_You know, I can't find someone else to give it to_

_So I'll wait some more…_

"Thank you…"

_Is that okay…?_

**"_Don't be sad because it's over. Be glad because it happened."_**


End file.
